Take it all off

There are a lot of things people have said to me while running.  I am always getting asked, “How far are you going?” to which I usually reply, “I’m going to keep on running till the wheels fall off and burn.”  Or another similar question, “How many miles have you run?”  If I’m half a mile in, or twenty-five miles in, my response is always the same: “Oh, I’m just gettin’ warmed up.”  Occasionally, I will get a Rocky or a Johnny Rambo shout-out, as some people seem to think I draw a resemblance to Sylvester Stallone.  I’ve never really thought so myself.  One of the most irritating things I, and I’m sure a lot of other runners hear quite frequently is, “Run Forrest, Run”  Fuck off.  I’ve always hated that.  It’s a shit quote and a shit movie.  To this, I give the bird.  

There have been a number of bizarre things people have said to me.  One time, I was running near a trailer park just a few blocks from where I live, when I saw an old pick-up truck driving towards me.  Upon passing me, the pick-up truck driver slammed on his brakes, leaned out the window, and shouted “STOP, YOU THIEF!”  I turned around and yelled back, “I didn’t steal anything.”  I was a little worried at first that he might turn around and drive after me.  Fortunately, I never saw him again.  This happened on a bright sunny day.  I was wearing my typical running garb, shorts and a t-shirt.  No backpack or suspicious looking briefcase in hand.  I don’t know what made him think I was a thief.  Crazy fucker.

Another incident happened when I was running on the Lakefront Trail in Chicago.  I was running south on the trail, with Lake Michigan to my left, and a traffic jam of cars on the road to my right.  A man I had never seen before in my life, shot his head out of the window of one of the stopped cars, and shouted, “HOLY FUCK, IT’S BRANDON!!  MY GOD, I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN AGES!!  SHIT!!  HOW THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MY MAN?!  HOW’S JACKIE?!  HOW’RE THE KIDS?!  I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY SEEING YOU AGAIN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?!  I’LL GIVE YOU A CALL!!”  And he continued screaming at me till I was out of sight and could no longer hear him.  Apparently, I have a twin named Brandon. 

Then there was the religious nut in Appleton.  I lived in Appleton for a couple years, and I would often encounter this short, stubby little man in Tellulah Park, who I think was a little mentally challenged.  Every time I ran past him on the trail, he would say to me, “You can’t run from Jesus,” then he’d chuckle to himself, as if he’d cracked a really funny joke.   

Some of my favorite lines have come from little kids.  One day when I was just getting started on my run, slowly trotting along near the playground in Griese Park, I passed a little girl sitting on the swing.  She looked up at me and said to her father, “Wow, that guy should be in the Olympics.”

There was also a time when I was running on the Mendota Lakeshore Path, and I passed a mother and her son walking on the path.  The boy, who was maybe five or six years old, pointed at me and said, “I bet I could beat him.”  His mother replied, “I don’t know, he looks pretty fast.”

Today, I heard yet another great statement while running.  This time from a geriatric.  It was a toasty one today, in the mid-80s.  After a couple miles, I had worked up a good sweat so I took off my shirt, opting to run bare-chested, leaving me in just my shorts and shoes.  An elderly lady standing on her front porch saw this and shouted, “Take it all off!”  I couldn’t help but laugh.  It made me think of Ned Braden in the movie Slap Shot.  “Take it all off!”  Yes.  Had it been a pretty girl who’d said it, I might’ve actually done it.  Though given that she was an old grandma-type and the fact that I was in a residential neighborhood, I just smiled and waved.  Had it been yesterday, however, I would’ve fit right in wearing nothing but my birthday suit.

Dick Dale And His Del-Tones - Take it off: